How to Help Your Horny Girl Cat Without Being Gross

A little while ago I talked about neutering your pets, and specifically, why you shouldn’t do it.  It’s been one of my most successful posts so far, so I’m doing a bit of a follow-up.  In that post, I said that there are means of satiating your female cat who is in heat without being gross.

One thing to remember here, first of all, is that all cats are different.  There are differences in sensitivity, so yes, you’re going to have to be incredibly careful, very observant of responses, and willing to take some time to experiment.  One method or the other may not even work at all.  Just as importantly, kitty may not even want to have anything to do with you, period, in which case, you’re SOL.  Build your cat’s trust, spend some time with her, and then come back.

Assuming, though, your cat is OK with (or, more likely, is highly anticipating) your approaching her tail-end while she’s in heat, scratching her back… when you try petting her, especially if it’s her first heat, or you tend to avoid her while she’s in heat, or if she’s just that sort of cat, she may lash out at you.  This is pretty normal, so long as she doesn’t turn away and glare at you, in which case, yeah, trust, liking, etc.  More likely, though, she will immediately go back to flipping around and doing stupid horny cat things again.  She’s basically testing you, and you’ll need to persist a few times more in this case.  I can’t stress enough, though: if it’s clear she isn’t just testing you and seriously just wants to have nothing to do with you, see last paragraph.

The first method is beating your cat up.  OK, I’m joking, mostly.  It’s definitely the simplest of these two methods, the safest, and the most difficult to screw up.  Unfortunately, it doesn’t work with all cats, and it may take a bit of experimentation to figure out exactly how to do it.

What you’re doing is basically coming up behind kitty and petting her, quite heavily, starting from the neck and going down her back.  Always gravitate back to the neck; it’s sort of a universal cat fetish.  You’ll want to get more vigorous and putting more ‘petting energy’ into her lower back, where her tail starts.  Take it slow and take it easy; if she’s receptive, and you’re doing it right, she’ll present.

Still keeping a hand at or grabbing her neck, you sort of want to pulverize her bum.  Rhythmically pat her back and her hips.  You’re not doing anything with the business end she wants you to do things with, but what you are doing is you’re sending strong, rhythmic vibrations through those sensitive sexy areas, which is good enough for many cats.  Some cats prefer to be rubbed, so just kind of knead her hindquarters, though be careful because kitties in heat are... ahem, a tad messier than human women in heat, for their size, so a vigorous rub right over her backside might make this a certifiably "gross" method.  Just a warning.

In any case, she may orgasm or she may not, and I won’t describe it here because for our purposes it doesn’t matter a whole lot if she does.  What matters is that she’s satisfied and she’s quiet, and she’ll bounce off and do her cat thing.

You may be raising an eyebrow at this because patting her lower back and bum is something you might do regularly to kitty even if she, or even he, is not in heat.  Some cats like getting the crap beat out of their butt.  Yes, this is in fact because it is sexually stimulating.  If your cat likes this when she’s not in heat, chances are doing it with that extra bit of vigour will make her happy while she’s in heat.

The second method is the infamous q-tip method.  It’s definitely the grosser of the two methods I have labeled as non-gross, and it’s infamous because people are idiots and don’t do it properly.  Let’s make sure we know what we’re doing.  So… yeah.  Get a fresh q-tip.

Especially the first time, you’ll want to be doing something with the scruff of her neck.  Some cats, a vigorous little massage with your first two fingers will do fine.  Others, you’ll actually need to grab it, but don’t be too rough.  Either way, until things are finished, you’ll want to stick by that neck.  What you’re looking for is for her bum to come up and her tail to go to the side.  Yep, take a peek.

There are two orifices there.  I can’t believe I need to explain this, but experience with aforementioned idiots tells me I do.  The top one is cat-bum.  The chocolate starfish.  You’re familiar with this one, as it shows whenever kitty is feeling happy and energetic.  The bottom one is one you don’t see quite as often, and is maybe just a piece of discoloured fur anytime else.  This time, since she’s aroused, it’s a little more obviously cat-vag.  That’s the one you want to be looking at.

You’re going to be stimulating her with the q-tip.  Please, for the love of god, don’t just stick it in.  And oh dear really keep a freaking hold on it.  It’s not that hard.  Get a grip on yourself; you clean her urine and feces every day, you watch her washing yourself, you let her sleep on top of you.  This isn’t that weird or difficult, and it does not make you a zoophile or in any way perverted: you’re doing what needs to be done, you’re doing it in a healthy fashion, and you’re doing it because you love your cat and don’t believe in removing her semi-vital internal organs because you don’t like how loud she is.  Just thought I would remind you.  You’re welcome.

You want to just brush the q-tip around and over it.  She’ll get pretty visibly excited.  As you insert it – just a few millimeters is all you need, no further than the length of your index fingernail when it’s cut and probably a lot less – she may start to make noises that in other situations you might find distressing, and she may start to rock back and forth on her haunches.  This means you’re doing something right.  Not all cats do both or even either of these things, however, so just be aware of body language in general.

An alternative method to the q-tip, by the way, is just tapping her there with a finger.  Grosser, yes, but I thought I would point it out anyway.  Other than that, it’s the same method.  If she doesn't respond to that, gently using your knuckles and rubbing them up and down between her hindquarters (not all the way to her anus) as if strumming a very delicate guitar...with your knuckles...should work very well.  No, I'm not a guitarist.

However you do it, it will only probably take a few seconds, and what happens after is quite variable.  Kitty orgasms involve a whole lot of vibrating.  Eyes narrow, and there may be vocalizations, sucking, or just clicking noises like they make when they see a bird.  Alternatively, there may be no orgasm and she might just bounce off to do whatever.  Some cats, if you’re really doing a good job at making her feel comfortable, might last quite a bit longer and through multiple orgasms.  You can take this as either a good thing or a bad thing.

Either way, that’s finished.  No muss, no fuss.  Chuck the q-tip, enjoy the peace, and think about how happy your cat is right now.  Or just go and watch TV.