Monday, May 28, 2012

Cat Sex

I was going to have this in the same article as last week's, but I decided against it for one very obvious reason.

This is definitely the steamiest post I have written here to date.  If you are not either zoo yourself or else are heavily desensitized to zoosexuality, please just skip this post.  It's for the zoos and the zoos alone.  Don't worry: I don't plan on making a habit of this, and we shall return to less romantic things next week.

---


Let’s give the queasy folks some space.  Here, I’ll be talking to you zoophiles who want to be more sexually intimate with your female cat but always heard it wasn’t possible, are afraid of doing it wrong, or have done it wrong.

Let me make it clear that penetrating your cat, male or female, does not work.  Don’t do it.  If you do, I will have to come to your place and shove a two-by-four up your ass, because that’s basically what it is.  What will be discussed here are tactile and oral stimulation.

Tactile stimulation – that is, fingering – is best done, in my experience, when kitty is lying on your chest and facing you, and you’re lying down.  This way, you can wrap your arms around her and be all romantic-like, and face her, and also keep an eye on her reactions because you are bigger than her and you don’t want to be making her uncomfortable.  This position also seems to be the most reassuring for your cat, who is given the real impression that she’s got the power here, and can leave whenever she likes - or lead you into a different position.  Mine will go from my belly to sprawling on her back on the floor to crouching with her butt on the air to crawling right back into my arms - important to remember throughout this article is that cats are all very different from one another and the best thing to have is a keen awareness of kitty's body language.

Before I go on, I'm going to assume you're a complete imbecile and tell you to ensure your hands are washed and clean.  So, first of all, regardless of what you're doing, foreplay is important.  It even occurs in nature, and it gets both of you ready both psychologically and physiologically.  Pet her, rub her, talk to her, give her her space for at least a few minutes.

It’s good to be petting/massaging/grabbing her scruff and scratching her rump simultaneously.  You can tickle the side of her tail to let her know what’s going on.  If she’s glad about that, her tail will be off to the side, her bum will be raised slightly, and her face will be a very happy one.  If you don’t know cat expressions, expect heavy eyelids and forward whiskers.

From here, your finger has access.  Which to use depends on how big your fingers are.  It’s best to start with the pinkie, because even it is going to be larger than a male cat’s phallus.  Experiment a little, though, very tentatively, because some queens like a bit of extra breadth.  Whichever finger you’re using, the rest of your hand should be relatively relaxed, wrapped comfortably around her rear, or over the base of her back.

What you are doing with that finger should be extremely tentative.  Because she’s on top, she actually has a lot of control, so starting out you really should be doing little more than just tickling her vagina.  Don’t do anything with the other opening unless she wants it, and she will show you this by moving it onto your hand.  Most cats don’t like it, and certainly not on the first time, and if you so much as brush it you’re going to be left alone on your couch or bed very quickly.  In any case, as you’re tickling, she may move back, she may move around, and your job is to exercise your empathic skills and get what she wants.  Does she want you to tickle lower?  Does she want you further in?  Zoophiles are some very empathetic people, according to one psychologist Beetz (2000), and this is why: we don’t have the luxury of someone telling us what to do while having sex, and we have very picky partners.

For this reason, don’t be upset if she leaves early.  Just stay put, or go the opposite direction as her.  You can see her again in a bit.  Don't worry about it.  A lot of cats will like to crawl around and stuff while having fun, and if you stay put or go she might immediately come after you wondering why you don't get the point.  In cases like these, you can chase her, put a bit of pressure on her back and continue on the ground.  As her arousal peaks you might find the almost masochistic resilience of a lot of female cats; some aren't satisfied towards the end of a round until you've got one hand massaging her neck and shoulders, and the other knuckling both holes as she holds her butt high in the air.

It’s kind of neat, because she knows exactly how to get you where she wants you to go, but if you actually try yourself, presuming she doesn’t hop away and hide, you’re never going to get there anyway.  She has the power, and inside you can feel her moistness, erogenous zones throbbing, her heart beating and her muscles drawing you in.  We don’t usually think of tactile stimulation as terribly romantic, but all this coupled with your other hand stroking her neck and back and her eyes gazing amorously into yours, it can be an incredibly rewarding experience.

Eventually, though, you’ll want to stop, or she will - if you’re good, and she’s having a good time, this might not be for a while - and after that, although you might think it best to give her a cuddle and mutter sweet nothings to her and all that, you actually want to leave her be for a bit.  You can sit around nearby, or even just stay right there, and she may well come back later from getting a drink to let you know that she appreciates it, whereas you might make her a little nervous and feel boxed in if you trail her or try to pet or cuddle her.  That’s just how cat sex works.  The moral to all of this is that everything is on her dime.

An interesting thing to note is that I know cats outside of heat, and even spayed females, who like a little tactile.  Of course, you have to be even more receptive and careful during this, but there can be mutual enjoyment even if hormones aren’t flowing.  I don’t believe I can in good conscience recommend this, because I just know some moron is going to read this and then think it’s A-OK to rape an undeveloped feline, but as a stupid youth I tried masturbating a spayed queen who belonged to my family.  She of course left, disgruntled, and I of course felt like absolute shit for not keeping my own hormones in check, this being at a time where I hated myself for even being zoophilic, let alone acting on it.  I left for a week, though, and when I saw her again, the first thing she did when I lay down on the couch was jump up on me and lower her bum right onto my hand, so we actually ended up developing something of a relationship.  Oddly, too, this little cat also liked her anus dealt with.  TMI, perhaps, but there’s a little story about cats and fingers.


Oral is tougher.  There are two ways I know of: either her planting her butt on top of your face, which seems to be something smart and forceful queens do, or else as she’s lying down on her side or belly (or back, or all over the damn room if she's like mine) and you’re lying next to her.  Anything else is too awkward, because she’s small and quadrupedal.  Many cats don’t want to have anything to do with oral.  And who can blame them, our mouths are disgusting.  Make sure to rinse very well.  And if your cat doesn’t want you going there, don’t go there.  Simple.  Maybe someday in the future.

Important: you should actually not brush your teeth or, for that matter, eat crunchy foods at all beforehand.  Either of these will cause tiny lacerations in your mouth which opens you both up to greater transmission of bacteria and other icky things.  I'm not saying this because oral sex with cats is particularly dangerous for either of you, I'm saying oral sex in general is kind of not really the most healthy thing you can do, even with humans.  So... if you're reading this and going, "Eh, I think I'll stick to humans," at least you can take home a lesson here.

Anyway, most of the things I say about tactile stimulation apply to oral as well.  To start, though, you want to give her a sniff.  This will not only let her know what’s up before anything actually happens, so she can decline if she likes, but it will also let you know what she smells like and are you sure you want to do this.  I would hazard that cats are... stronger than most women, although it’s just your tongue tip that’s going to have to deal with that, based on the fact that missing and accidentally getting her bum may be more palatable.  Fair warning given.  But of course, as I like to say, if you love someone, you love every bit of them: every way in which they stimulate your five senses.  So as bold adventurers, we press on.

I once read somewhere that if you want to become an expert cunning linguist, you can practice on a rose, trying not to ruin the flower.  If that’s the case for women, then perhaps we might say for a girlcat you might want to think of it as one of those tiny blue flowers.  Or foxglove. (I kid.) Cats are, as I have iterated, sensitive, and you just barely want to tickle to start out with.  You can eventually escalate, but do not expect to be able to shove your tongue anywhere.  If you’re using force, you’re using too much force.  And don’t forget to stroke her.


That’s all I have to say on cat sex, for now.  Hopefully you got something out of it.  And hopefully you didn’t get here by accident, ignored the warning above, and now look a little like this:


Now
Let's
Give
The
Rest
Of
The
Blog
Some
Space.

Good luck to you and yours.

10 comments:

  1. www.youtube.com/watch?v=pQ52s8RPPow I gonna just leave this spark from the darkest corners here so you would be a little closer to the truth. Probably humans are desighned to have a close relationship with everything bigger than a squirrel.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, if your penis is no larger than that of a tiny terrier, fine. Given that we didn't see the intercourse itself, though, and given that most men's penises are not quite that small width-wise, I am not going to encourage anything of the sort. More often than not, you are going to injure your cat; many breeds of dogs considered "large" are even too small for some humans.

      It's also notable that when men have sex with birds with cloacae, typically chickens or the like, it frequently results in the death of the animal. So no, we're definitely not built to have sex with "everything bigger than a squirrel". It depends entirely on the man and the species, but when it comes to advice in this world of already far too much animal abuse, it's better to give it with a healthy dose of caution.

      tl;dr: I don't care; you're not a terrier, so don't bugger your cat.

      Delete
    2. Ok ok, I shouldn't have post this stuff anyway, better to tell people that its impossible than give them idea that it possible under certain circumstances and if they do it knowlegeable and careful. Because of all that bestialists; they will be raping their cats and it could lead to death of cats and other unwanted consequenses. The lenght of sexual tract of cat bigger than lenghth of men' penis and this thing is very good stretching in the width. And look, this terriers stick size is comparable to man's and dogs do it without any carefulness. About width - dogs penis at some point of sexuale act become swollen and whatnot. Yeah I've heard of that intercourse with chicken results in its death. That it, I don't even say "her death" because people could rape a rooster and don't even know the difference. Why chicken die? Because ignorant rapists don't realize that they putting their penis wrong way and wounding the thing analogue of humans' colon. Probably they don't even care. Most avians' males lack penis too and females bodies not even designed for penetration. However I am not telling that it is impossible to do so without fatal consequences for bird. But its require deep knowledge of anatomy. Sorry for shacking your believes and my grammar errors. This world really has incomprehensible amount of suffering and death in the process of sex suits it well.

      Delete
    3. Don't worry too much about it. I'm happy to have people commenting here challenging what I've put forward. Given the ridiculous number of views this post gets every single day I'm surprised you're the first.

      That terrier's width would be slightly less than that of a decently sized man's, and it's important to note that once he starts to knot he'll no longer be doing a whole lot with it. That's actually the whole point of the knot: it just sits there and doesn't move, which means there is a much lower risk of injury occurring. Yes, it all does depend on the person, his anatomy and understanding, as well as the anatomy of the cat, but nine times out of ten at the very least it is not going to work out.

      Your heart is in the right place. Take care, friend.

      Delete
    4. If some women complain what about a very small animal?

      Delete
  2. WTF but obviously it don't work unless the guy or the girl is having a sex with a lion or smilar sized cat, but my bet is that the person would get killed before that happening.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I suggest you read the article, sir/madame. :) Fingering a female domestic cat is very possible, as is oral sex.

      And you would be surprised by what humans and large cats have done together. But that's for another time.

      Delete
  3. This is in response to an email without a proper return address. The sender's story is a very relevant and, to me, very poignant one, so I hope they don't mind that I post my response here as an alternative means of getting in contact.

    ---

    Hi A.,

    My heart was really warmed by your email; whether sex is involved or not, you love this cat very deeply, and a love like that is all too rare. There are zoophiles who are purely romantic, so as far as I'm concerned, if you're having any internal strife over whether to call yourself a zoophile or not, this genuine love you have makes you the best sort.

    You want to ask me about sexuality, though, and that's always a little more complicated. I'd first have to ask whether anyone else is close with this cat. I understand she is legally someone else's, but she's a barn cat so may not have much to do with other humans. I think if this is the case -- if there's no one whose bed she's sleeping at the foot of at night and whatnot -- you don't have what some people see as a moral issue with interacting sexually with someone who is technically someone else's animal.

    As far as whether she wants to, it sounds from your description that she's certainly interested. Do you know if she's been spayed? If she isn't, is she in heat when she's rubbing against you and presenting? You can try touching the underside of the base of her tail to see if she shakes it and pulls it sharply to the side, which would indicate she's looking for sexual pleasure from you.

    If she does, and you do want to try moving your relationship to a sexual level, you can certainly read my blog entry entitled "Cat Sex". It certainly isn't comprehensive, but it should help you curb yourself and ensure at least that she's enjoying herself. Just understand first that pleasuring a cat can be a bit wearing, as they have an incredibly high and insatiable sex drive when in heat (and sometimes even when out of heat, if they like you!), and are, to be blunt, a bit messy. If this isn't a problem for you, you can brush and lightly rub her vulva with a finger when she's presenting to see how she reacts.

    Cats are notoriously flighty when building a sexual relationship so she may lift her tail, furrow, and/or make bizarre little noises and then crawl away, but if she's interested she'll be quite energetic and likely more affectionate towards you, and she'll return to you for more shortly. From there it's up to your discretion: cats are very different from one another. Just do not attempt to stick anything really inside of her, and do not press the matter if and when she leaves.

    I know you will continue to love her regardless of what happens, and that you will be very careful and cautious. If you like, I'd be interested in hearing how things go for you two. You seem to be a very thoughtful person and she a very lovely cat, so I wish you both all the best!

    J.D.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I have two female cats and they are my babies. They trust me to take care of them, meaning to feed and provide for them. They replace the children I never had. An animal is NOT a lover. A companion to be loved, yes. To use them as tools for sexual gratification is almost like molesting a child. They don't know any better and should not be taken advantage of. I get no sexual excitement from petting or brushing my pets. If you want a sex partner go on a website.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Animals are not at all like children, and to treat them is such is a terrible anthropomorphization and a disservice to your pets. Unless you have had them mutilated, they have sexual needs just as we all do, and they love and have desires for certain individuals, and if you believe they don't I wonder how you think they propagate themselves.

      Just because you are uninterested in filling that need for animals doesn't mean we all are. We only ask for some tolerance and understanding at least for our love of animals.

      Delete